The Whats, Hows & Whys of Extra Marital Affairs

Extra marital affairs are very much a taboo subject that nobody really likes to get into the nitty-gritty of. However, they’re a lot more common than you might think, and they happen for various reasons.

One of the main things to remember about taboo subjects is that there’s so much going unspoken. People don’t talk about them because they feel like they shouldn’t, so they don’t learn about what’s really going on out there.

The truth is that extra marital affairs take on many different forms, and there are a lot of different catalysts. 

Let’s get into the subject and separate some facts from fiction.

First & Foremost, What is an Extra Marital Affair?

In its most basic form, the meaning of an extra marital affair is when someone who is married has a sexual encounter with someone whom they’re not married to.

In 2015, a YouGov poll revealed that one in five people admitted to having an extra marital affair.

That’s a massive number when you think about it, and remember that’s just the number of people who felt comfortable confessing to it.

Now, that’s just the broad strokes. There are many different shades to an extramarital affair, so let’s break them down.

young couple having an affair

Types of Affairs

The different types of affairs can be broken down into six different types.

  1. Casual affair
  2. Romantic affair
  3. Cyber affair
  4. Permitted affair
  5. Emotional affair
  6. One night stand

One of the main differences between these types of affairs is whether or not there are feelings involved. The casual affair is purely physical, for example, while the emotional affair doesn’t include any sex at all.

Why Do People Have Extra Marital Affairs?

Some people like to think that there is only one reason why people have affairs: because they’re a cheater. 

The truth is a lot more complicated. There are so many different feelings and circumstances that lead to this situation.

1: To Feel Desired or Wanted Again

This is one of the most common reasons. People can feel neglected in a long-term relationship and feel like their partner no longer desires them.

It’s a heartbreaking thing to feel like someone has lost interest. Naturally, someone would want to feel that desire again.

2: To Escape the Monotony of a Long-Term Relationship

Sometimes a relationship can become monotonous over time. This isn’t always anyone’s fault. But it can be stifling to feel like nothing’s ever going to change.

It’s common for the catalyst of an affair to be this desire for something new. To find that spark of unpredictability and excitement. To be reminded that there are still surprises out there.

escaping monotony with an affair

3: Seeking Unfulfilled Physical or Emotional Needs

Everyone has needs, and most people in relationships want to feel like their partners are going to meet those physical and emotional needs.

It’s incredibly tough if it feels like there’s either no interest or ability in your partner to give you what you’ve told them you need. Whether it’s sex or emotional intimacy, people are going to seek them out somewhere.

4: To Feel Excitement and Adventure

This one is similar to the monotony issue, but it’s subtly different. This isn’t just about feeling crushed by a routine. It’s about being reminded that you are – in basic terms – still alive.

There’s something thrilling about pursuing an extra marital affair. You are truly embarking into the unknown; you are discovering someone new as well as new things about yourself.

How Do Extramarital Affairs Start?

There’s a myth that extra marital affairs always start with a physical act. This isn’t exactly true. Physical attraction has a lot to do with it, but not if it’s coming from a lack of needs being met. 

How do people start affairs? It’s different for everyone.

For some people, it’s a chance thing. It might be someone they meet at a bar or in the street. For another married person, it might be spending more time with a friend or colleague.

But some people seek out affairs online if they feel like they are trapped and need something more. There are extramarital affairs websites where people can connect with others who are in the same position.

Joining a marriage affair website

What are the Effects of Extra Marital Affairs?

An extra marital affair is very rarely something that can be boiled down to the act itself. We’re not trying to downplay that, but it’s important to talk about the impact that it can have on a person.

Again, most of the myths around this taboo subject accentuate the negative, so let’s start by looking at the positive.

Benefits of Having an Affair

The first and arguably most important benefit of having an affair is that you are fulfilling a need. Whether it’s to feel desired again, to feel connected emotionally, or to have that sense of excitement, an affair can make that happen.

It can also help people to feel more connected to their spouse. Having an affair doesn’t mean that you don’t love your partner. It can mean that you know that you need something that you can’t offer, and you can continue being a loving and supporting partner now that you’ve found it.

Extra-marital affairs can also help people to learn more about themselves as a person. You may discover that you have needs, desires and qualities that you never knew about.

They can also connect you with special people and remind you that you are not alone.

Downfalls of Having an Affair

There is always a flipside to any coin, and it is important to think about how having an extra marital affair may lead to some negative results.

The first thing to consider is that you will be hiding something big from your partner – unless you are having a sanctioned affair. Is that something you can deal with?

You might also find that you connect with someone who isn’t looking for the same thing. You can avoid this by using extra marital dating sites to ensure that both people are on the same page before anything happens.

Do Affairs Ever Last?

As much as popular wisdom might tell you otherwise, there is no one answer to this question.

It wouldn’t be accurate to say that affairs never last. But it would also be wrong to suggest that they always do. 

It can be easy for affairs to end messily for a few different reasons. One or both parties may be caught by their spouse. One person might be ready for the affair to be over before the other.

One of the best ways to ensure that the affair lasts exactly as long as you want it to is by being absolutely clear about what you want. 

That way, there’s no opportunity for hurt feelings or things going on beyond their natural endpoint. Two adults can make a decision that works for them.

Where to Find People for Affairs

If you’re thinking about having an affair, you may not want to go to the nearest bar and hope to bump into somebody.

Online dating has radically changed the game for people seeking extra marital affairs. They can be discreet, and they can help you find exactly what you’re looking for.

Illicit Encounters: The UK’s Leading Married Dating Site

Illicit Encounters is a safe online platform for people who are looking for an affair. You can create a secure profile where you can list who you are, what you’re all about, and what you are looking for.

People can connect with you, and you can start a conversation, setting ground rules before making any decisions. There are over a million members who’ve been connecting with like-minded married and attached people since 2003.

screen shot of Illicit Encounters homepage

What to Do if Your Extra Marital Affair is Discovered?

It can be an incredibly difficult situation if such affairs are discovered by your spouse – for them and for you.

The important thing to remember if you have been caught out is that honesty is the best policy. You should own up to what you have done, but it’s just as important to be open about why.

Your spouse may not understand the reasons for your infidelity. You owe them an explanation as much as you owe them an apology. Avoid blaming them for your actions. But take your own feelings into account too.

The best-case scenario is always going to be not getting caught, and there are things that you can do to avoid it. 

How Do You End An Affair?

Ending an affair can be messy if you haven’t been clear about what you are looking for and how long you want it to last. 

It’s important to remember the feelings of the person you’ve been seeing, but you also need to be firm. You need to tell them that it’s over but don’t just cut them off without explaining why.

Ending an affair suddenly and cutting off all contact can create a more difficult situation. Talk to them about how you’ve come to this decision and why you can’t continue with it. Don’t maintain contact after it’s over. 

Ending an affair

Rounding Up the Whats, Hows & Whys of Extra Marital Affairs

As we’ve shown, there are so many more factors that go into why extra marital affairs happen and how they get started. 

It’s never going to be as simple as just wanting to cheat or having poor impulse control. Extra marital affairs can be a considered decision based on the need to feel desired, fulfilled, and emotionally connected. They can also be approved by a partner. That’s not unheard of, either. Using an online dating site can help to avoid the risk of hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and messy situations.


How Do Extra Marital Affairs Start?

Extra marital affairs can start because physical and/or emotional needs aren’t being met in a primary relationship. They can start because the person needs to feel a sense of adventure and excitement. Online dating sites can be used to find people who are in the same situation and looking for the same thing. 

Why Could Extra Marital Affairs Be Right?

Extra-marital affairs could be right because they can resolve a situation where someone is desperately lonely and unhappy. They can answer long-standing questions about who a person is and what they want.

How Common Are Extra Marital Affairs?

Extra marital affairs are a lot more common than you might think. A 2015 survey showed that one in five married people admitted to having them, and that’s just the people who felt comfortable telling the truth in a survey.

How Long Do Extra Marital Affairs Last?

How long is a piece of string? Generally speaking, extra marital affairs are short, but they can go on for as long as the two people want them to. It’s up to the parties in question to decide how long they want this thing to last. 

How to Avoid Extra Marital Affairs?

The best way to avoid extra marital affairs is to be completely open and honest about what you need and how you are feeling. Talk to your spouse about your emotional and sexual desires and if you are truly happy in your relationship.

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