Infidelity takes many forms, from emotional affairs to classic physical cheating, but what is same sex infidelity, and why do people engage in it?
Same sex infidelity involves someone in a heterosexual relationship cheating with someone of the same sex.
Often, they convince themselves that it doesn’t count as cheating to justify the behaviour.
Read on to find out why people engage in same sex infidelity despite being in a committed hetero relationship…
Is Same Sex Infidelity Adultery?
| In UK divorce law, adultery is defined as: “A husband or wife has sexual intercourse with someone else of the opposite sex”. |
The UK’s legal definition of adultery doesn’t include same-sex infidelity, which can make things tricky for same-sex couples.
The law is based on outdated ideas about relationships and doesn’t reflect the many ways trust can be broken in a partnership.
But just because the law doesn’t call same-sex infidelity “adultery” doesn’t mean it’s not cheating.
Breaking trust and commitment can have emotional consequences, no matter the genders involved.
Can Same Sex Infidelity Be Grounds for Divorce?
In the UK, same-sex infidelity doesn’t count as adultery in divorce cases. But that doesn’t mean it’s irrelevant.
Instead, it can be used as an example of “unreasonable behaviour” when filing a divorce petition.
Unreasonable behaviour is a pretty broad term and covers anything that makes it unreasonable for one spouse to keep living with the other.
So, while same-sex infidelity isn’t officially labelled as adultery, it can still play a role in divorce proceedings by addressing its emotional and relational impact.
Why Do People in Hetero Relationships Cheat With Someone of the Same Sex?
There are tonnes of articles online about the psychology behind cheating in general. But when it comes to choosing to cheat with someone of the same sex when you’re in a heterosexual relationship, there are some specific psychological reasons behind that decision.
Here are some of the most common reasons why people choose to cheat with someone of the same sex.
- They’re being vengeful
- They’re jealous of a perceived ‘rival’
- They’re dissatisfied with their sex life
- They’re a hypersexual person
- They’re more open sexually
- They’re exploring their sexuality
- They don’t think it’s cheating
1. They’re Being Vengeful
Revenge can be a powerful motivator when it comes to cheating. If someone feels hurt or betrayed by their partner, the urge to “get even” can be hard to resist.
For some, cheating with someone of the same sex might feel like a way to take control or send a stronger message. This is especially common among women, as it’s sometimes seen as less risky or less likely to bring the same kind of judgment as other types of infidelity.
In these cases, it’s not just about revenge — it also adds an extra layer of emotional complexity to an already messy situation.
2. They’re Jealous of a Perceived Rival
It’s rare, but sometimes people cheat with someone of the same sex because they see that person as a potential love rival.
Cheating can be a way to deal with the perceived threat by forming an intimate connection with them instead. This kind of behaviour usually stems from complex emotions, like insecurity or competitiveness.
While it’s not a common reason for cheating, it can help explain certain choices made in emotionally intense situations.
| “At its core, jealousy in relationships is about low self-esteem. When you don’t feel confident in yourself or feel that you deserve the love of your partner, you project those insecurities onto your partner.” – Tony Robbins, coach and motivational speaker |
3. They’re Dissatisfied with Their Sex Life
Sexual dissatisfaction is a common reason for any kind of cheating, and same sex infidelity isn’t an exception.
For some people, if they’ve always struggled to be sexually satisfied in heterosexual relationships, it makes sense to try and get their rocks off with someone of the same sex.
For some, this could be the start of their journey to explore their sexuality more fully.
4. They’re a Hypersexual Person
People who are hypersexual often have a strong, compulsive drive for sexual activity, which can lead them to seek out multiple partners or new experiences.
For someone in this situation, exploring a same-sex encounter might happen simply because it’s an option and offers something new and exciting.
It’s not always about their sexual orientation; it’s more about the thrill of trying something different.
Their intense sexual drive can sometimes push them to cross boundaries, including same-sex infidelity, if the situation aligns with their desires.
5. They’re More Open Sexually
Being sexually open is really about having a curious, non-judgmental approach to sex and sexuality.
People who are open in this way are usually comfortable exploring different aspects of intimacy with partners who are just as willing.
Again, it’s not about a specific sexual orientation, it’s wanting to learn, connect, and experience more deeply. They see human sexuality as a way to better understand themselves and others.
This openness often comes from a genuine interest in breaking away from traditional norms to explore pleasure and emotional connection without judgment or societal pressure.
6. They’re Exploring Their Sexuality
When someone cheats with a person of the same sex, it might be tied to their own journey of figuring out their sexual identity.
For people who aren’t sure about their orientation, these experiences can feel like a way to explore their desires and preferences. It’s often about dealing with internal questions and confusion about who they are.
While it doesn’t make breaking trust okay, it does highlight how complicated human sexuality can be and the struggles some face while trying to understand and accept themselves.
7. They Don’t Think It’s Cheating
For some people, especially those who identify as straight, hooking up with someone of the same sex might not feel like cheating.
They might see these experiences as experimental or situational, without the emotional depth or real sexual connection they associate with infidelity.
In their minds, it’s separate from the romantic or emotional betrayal they’d link to their main relationship.
But even if it makes sense to them, it can still hurt their partner and damage trust.
Is It Okay to Explore Your Sexuality in Marriage?
Exploring your sexuality in a marriage is a personal and delicate journey, and it’s something that takes thought and honest communication.
Jumping into it without considering your partner’s feelings, boundaries, or how it might affect your relationship could create confusion or hurt. But when you approach it with respect, understanding, and consent, it can actually bring you closer.
The key is creating a safe space to talk openly about desires and boundaries so both of you feel heard and supported.
Done the right way, this exploration can deepen your connection and lead to a stronger, happier relationship.
What if You Discover You’re Bi-Sexual When You’re Married?
Realising you’re bisexual while being married can feel like a lot to process, but your feelings are valid and worth exploring.
| 1. Start by taking some time to really sit with your emotions and figure out what they mean for you. Talking to a therapist can be helpful — they can help you sort through your thoughts and give you tools to navigate this new chapter in a safe, supportive way. 2. When you’re ready, having an open, honest conversation with your spouse is an important step. Pick a quiet moment when you can talk without distractions, and approach the conversation with care. 3. Share how you’re feeling and what you’ve been experiencing, but also reassure them that you’re committed to working through this together. Make sure to give them space to share their own feelings and be open to their perspective. 4. As you move forward, take some time to figure out what this new understanding means for you and your relationship. This might involve talking about boundaries, expectations, and any changes you both feel are needed to keep things healthy. 5. Regular, honest communication is key here. If it feels like too much to tackle on your own, couples counselling can be a great way to have those conversations in a neutral, supportive space. |
Above all, be patient and kind with yourself and your spouse as you navigate this new chapter together.
Do I Have to Tell My Spouse If I’m Not 100% Straight?
The answer to this really depends on when you realised you weren’t 100% straight.
If you knew before getting into your relationship or marriage, being honest with your spouse is so important.
It’s not an easy conversation to have, but being upfront about your identity respects both you and your partner. It also gives them the chance to make their own decisions about the future of your relationship.
If you figured out your sexuality during your marriage, things can feel a bit trickier.
People change, and sometimes it takes longer to fully understand ourselves.
In this case, it’s okay to take some time to process your feelings before talking to your spouse.
When you’re ready, the conversation will still need honesty and sensitivity, but it might also bring up feelings of fear, confusion, or vulnerability for both of you.
The most important thing is approaching it with empathy, respect, and love.
Can Couples Work Through Same Sex Infidelity?
Yes, couples can work through same-sex infidelity, but it really depends on the people involved and how willing they are to face the issue openly and honestly.
For some, rebuilding trust and repairing the relationship is possible with mutual commitment, clear communication, and maybe even help from a professional. It takes time, patience, and real effort from both partners to understand each other’s feelings and needs.
That said, in some cases, the betrayal can be too much to overcome, and the relationship might not be able to move forward.
Final Thoughts: Is it Wrong to Cheat on Your Partner with the Same Sex?
Cheating really comes down to the boundaries you and your partner have set in your relationship.
For some couples, especially those in open or flexible relationships, certain things might not be seen as a betrayal if they’re within agreed-upon terms.
But in monogamous relationships, it can break trust and cause a lot of pain.
The bottom line is it’s all about being on the same page.
Every relationship has its own rules, so whether something is “wrong” really depends on whether it goes against the trust and agreements you’ve made together.
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FAQs
Is it Cheating If It’s the Same Gender?
Unless this is something you and your partner have explicitly said is okay, then yes, it is cheating.
For many, exploring the same gender may feel like it doesn’t count. Defining boundaries with your partner is essential to ensure a healthy and consensual experience.
What Gender Usually Cheats More?
There’s no definitive answer to this question, as cheating behaviour varies by individual rather than gender. Factors like personality, opportunity, and relationship dynamics play a larger role.
Is it Unethical to Explore Your Sexuality After Getting Married?
Exploring your sexuality after getting married isn’t inherently unethical, but it depends on mutual consent and the boundaries set within your relationship.
For example, if you unknowingly behind your partner’s back start seeing someone else to explore your sexuality, that would be considered cheating.
But if you have both agreed that extra-martial exploration is allowed, then it can be a healthy and consensual experience for both parties.
Can You Get a No-Fault Divorce if You Discover You’re Gay?
Yes, you can get a no-fault divorce if you discover you’re gay. No-fault divorces allow couples to separate without assigning blame, enabling individuals to end marriages amicably and pursue authentic lives aligned with their sexual identity.
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