8 Red Flags in an Affair Partner That Show It’s Time to End Things

Are you currently exploring an extramarital affair, but something feels off with your affair partner? Keep your eyes peeled for these 8 red flags in an affair partner that might suggest something else is going on…

We can hear the shouts, “Isn’t being in an affair a giant red flag?” No, not necessarily. 

Affairs can lead to emotionally and physically fulfilling relationships that can ultimately strengthen marriages, but only if they’re with the right person.

Whether this is your first time having an affair or you’ve never managed to make them work out without heavy fallout, our experts have gathered all the red flags you should be on the lookout for to keep your extramarital adventures fun, stress-free, and most importantly, private!

From talking about your primary relationship too much to overstepping normal boundaries on social media, we’ve written the ultimate guide to affair partner red flags and the unwritten rules of an affair.

Common Red Flags to Look Out for in an Affair

While almost anything can be a red flag if you squint hard enough, especially when it comes to extramarital relationships, there are a few main ones that you should be vigilant of to avoid unnecessary fallout.

1. They Encourage You to Vent Too Much!

While being able to vent to your affair partner about the issues in your marriage might sound like you’ve hit the extramarital affair lottery, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

If you’re having an affair behind your spouse’s back, things clearly aren’t picture perfect. 

However, while it’s normal for your affair partner to ask how things are going in general, if they actively encourage you to vent and badmouth your spouse, it could be a warning sign.

Encouraging you to talk about these issues instead of just enjoying their time with you could be a means to get dirt on your spouse or to breed further discontent between you, to get you all to themselves.

Ultimately, you probably haven’t known this person all that long, so it’s a good idea to keep some cards close to your chest.

2. They Get Upset if You Don’t Keep Your Promises

When it comes to having an affair, there are going to be times when you need to bail on your lover due to commitments with your spouse or family. 

While it’s normal for them to be disappointed when this happens, keep an eye on whether their response is proportionate.

An affair partner who gets overly upset when you can’t get away to meet up with them is a recipe for disaster, especially if they start making threats or ultimatums.

This type of behaviour shows a lack of understanding and respect for your commitments and boundaries, which are essential in any healthy relationship (yes, even an affair).

3. They Keep Trying to Overstep Your Boundaries

Having boundaries is super important when it comes to having a successful affair. If your lover begins to overstep these, it can be a huge red flag.  

Ignoring your boundaries shows they don’t respect your primary relationship, or you, for that matter.

You’re likely to have established rules around when and where you can meet with your lover to avoid being caught by your spouse.

When they start trying to push back on these boundaries by suggesting times and places that are much riskier, it’s time to end the relationship.

Think it might be time to call it quits on your current affair and explore other relationships?  Sign up for Illicit Encounters today, and find over 1.5 million users looking for the same excitement and thrill.  Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries; find someone who understands and respects your situation.  Trust us, it’s worth it.

4. They Try to Manipulate You With Threats of Outing Your Relationship

Manipulation and threats have no place in any relationship, even an affair! 

If your partner has started to try to manipulate you into doing things using the threat of outing your relationship to your friends and family, you need to reconsider the relationship.

Being with someone who’s willing to ruin your life over what is likely something banal is dangerous, and you should take steps to respectfully end the relationship.

When it comes to ending an affair in this situation, it’s a good idea to come clean to your spouse about what’s been going on in case your lover decides to retaliate against your rejection.

5. They Have Strong Opinions About Your Marriage

It’s really important to set boundaries with your affair partner about what they know about your personal life. 

Sure, they’ll know you’re married, but they don’t need to hear all the details about your marriage.

Sharing too much about your relationship with your spouse can create unnecessary drama and blur the lines. 

If your affair partner starts sharing strong opinions about your marriage or spouse, it’s a big red flag. They might be trying to influence your decisions to suit their own wants, which isn’t healthy.

This kind of behaviour can lead to manipulation or interference, so it’s something to watch out for. Make sure those boundaries are clear and respected — they’re key to protecting your emotional well-being and stability.

6. They’re Emotionally Unavailable

While some affairs are purely a physical thing, if yours isn’t and your lover is emotionally unavailable, it’s a clear sign it could be time to call it quits.

If emotional connection is one of the things you were looking for from an affair, and you’re not getting that from your lover, what’s the point?

If they were once emotionally available and have recently become distant, it’s worth digging around a little to see if anythings changed for them personally that could be affecting your relationship before you decide to cut things off, but it’s not a good sign for the future of your relationship.

7. They Keep Pushing to Spend More Time With You

While it’s nice to feel wanted, if your lover starts pushing to spend more and more time with you, it can be a warning sign that their desires have changed.

The expectation with an affair is that you get to sneak moments here and there. 

The scarcity is what makes it so hot and exciting, but it’s also what makes it possible to maintain your primary relationship.

When they want to spend the night with you instead of just the evening or perhaps a whole weekend, it starts to get dangerous, and this change in attitude needs to be treated with caution.

8. They’ve Been Looking Up Your Spouse or Kids on Social Media

If you find that your affair partner has been looking up your spouse or kids on social media, this is a major red flag and shouldn’t be ignored! 

While a certain level of curiosity is natural, looking for your family online can be a slippery slope to inappropriate levels of contact or harassment.

Even if they don’t have any ill intentions, accidental likes can cause issues, or things they see might cause more of an emotional reaction than they anticipated and lead to snowballing interest or even jealousy issues.

How Many Warning Signs Should You Tolerate?

Not every red flag means you need to take action right away or end a relationship. If you spot one or two minor warning signs, it might just be a matter of talking things through. 

Open and honest communication about boundaries, expectations, and how certain behaviours make you feel can often sort out smaller issues. 

That said, some red flags are bigger deals — like serious breaches of trust — or if there are just too many concerns piling up, it might be time to rethink the relationship.

At the end of the day, your mental health and well-being come first, and sometimes that means knowing when a situation just isn’t healthy or sustainable anymore.

Why Do We Overlook Bad Behaviour in an Affair Partner?

Sometimes we overlook bad behaviour or red flags in an affair partner because of the strong emotional pull they create. 

We might be so hungry for the love, attention, or validation they give us that we let things slide, things we’d never tolerate from a spouse.

The excitement and novelty of the affair can mess with our judgment, making it easy to brush off or downplay their actions.

On top of that, the secrecy and “forbidden” aspect of it all can make the emotional connection feel even stronger. This can make us cling to an idealised version of the affair partner instead of seeing them for who they really are.

It’s easy to get stuck in a cycle of ignoring red flags because we’re chasing that fleeting connection or escape they seem to offer.

Should I Be Concerned That My Affair Partner Cut Me Off?

It can be really tough when an affair partner suddenly cuts you off, but most of the time, it just means they’ve had a change of heart and want to move on quickly. 

This usually happens when they start feeling guilty, overwhelmed, or realise the risks of keeping the affair going. It’s often less about you and more about what’s going on in their head. 

That said, if things were tense or rocky between you before they went radio silent, it might be worth considering if unresolved emotions or conflict played a role. Sometimes people go quiet to create space after a tough interaction. 

Whatever the reason, it’s important to respect their decision and take this time to think about what’s truly best for you moving forward.

How Do You End an Affair Relationship Properly?

Ending an affair respectfully takes some careful thought, especially if you’re focused on putting your marriage first.

Start by being honest and clear with the other person about your decision to end things. 

Keep the blame or criticism out of it — focus on your reasons, like wanting to fully commit to repairing and strengthening your marriage. 

Pick the right moment for the conversation, somewhere private and calm. 

Be firm and consistent so there’s no confusion or false hope — it’s important to make it clear that things are over. Set boundaries and limit any further contact to help both of you move on and avoid lingering emotions. 

Once the affair is over, shift your energy to open, honest communication with your partner. Talk about the deeper issues in your marriage and show that you’re ready to rebuild trust. 

It might help to seek professional support, like couples counselling, to guide you both through the healing process.

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