How to Bring Up Polyamory to Your Partner & Avoid Hurting Them

Polyamorous relationships are becoming more popular among people in monogamous relationships or marriages. However, bringing up the topic of a more open relationship with your partner can be a difficult conversation to have. We’ve put together our top tips to talk about your desire for a polyamorous relationship with your partner.

Whether you’ve always been in a monogamous relationship or you’ve dated more than one person in the past, polyamory can be a great way to breathe new life into your relationship dynamic and explore different types of connections and love. But before you can fully embrace a polyamorous lifestyle, you need to get that first conversation out of the way. So, let’s get into it.

Here’s a brief overview of our top tips for bringing up polyamory with your partner:

Read on to find out more about how to implement these tips in your conversation.

What is Polyamory? Polyamory is a type of non-monogamous relationship where an individual has multiple intimate partners, with the informed consent of all involved. Unlike infidelity or an affair, openness and transparency are key elements in polyamorous relationships.It’s about having meaningful relationships that may involve love, romance, friendship, sex, and/or spiritual connection with multiple people. It’s a broad term that can encompass a wide variety of relationships, from casual to long-term commitments.Read our guide to the rise of polyamory in Britain.

10 Tips for Bringing Up Polyamory With Your Partner

Broaching the subject of polyamory isn’t always easy, especially if your partner hasn’t expressed any interest in such a relationship before. With that said, it doesn’t mean it’s impossible or that you should ignore your desires.

We’ve put together some of our top tips from our experts to help you start a dialogue with your partner about having other partners in a poly relationship.

1) Consider Why You Want to be in a Polyamorous Relationship

Before you even mention the topic of having relationships with more than one person to your partner, you should take some time to think about why you want to practise polyamory.

Polyamorous relationships are complex and require healthy relationships and openly communicating with multiple people. If you find you like the idea of polyamory mostly because of the sexual relationships you’ll be able to explore, a more generally open relationship may be more suited to you.

Ultimately, you need to know exactly what you want from your relationship before you bring this up to your partner.

2) Think About When You Approach the Subject

Timing is key when it comes to serious conversations about your current relationship. Bringing up the idea of polyamory with your spouse can be a big deal and bring up a lot of feelings and emotions for both of you.

Make sure you set aside time to focus on the conversation in a private place when both of you are fully engaged and open to communicating. You may need to explain polyamory to your partner or take multiple breaks from the conversation to allow them to process things.

3) Reassure Your Partner That You Still Value Your Existing Relationship

This is a really important one, especially if this conversation will seemingly come out of the blue. A poly relationship will change your relationship structure, but that doesn’t mean adding new intimate relationships will result in the neglect of your current relationship and partner.

It’s understandable for your partner to react with feelings of anxiety for the future of your relationship to take the time to reassure them that you still want your current relationship to continue.

4) Make It Clear That You’re Still Invested in Your Primary Relationship

This tip leads on from the last one. Beginning an open relationship or poly relationship doesn’t mean the end of your primary relationship; you’re simply looking to add to it. Make it clear to your partner that you’re still committed to them and your relationship to give them peace of mind.

5) Be Prepared for Resistance to the Idea of Multiple Relationships

Being presented with the idea of bringing multiple people into your monogamous relationship can be daunting, and you may have a reluctant partner. It’s important that you don’t take initial resistance to be a firm ‘no’ as this can hinder further communication on the subject.

Understand that your partner may need time to fully digest what you’re saying to them before they’re ready to try it with you. Of course, you should also be prepared for your partner to have firm boundaries surrounding monogamous relationships, which leads to a more serious discussion about your future.

6) Be Patient and Allow Your Partner Time for Introspection

Whether your partner is initially reluctant or simply needs time to process and explore their own feelings about the matter, being patient and giving them space is key to positively moving forward.

While you may have been thinking about living the polyamorous lifestyle for a while, this could be a completely new concept to them, which should be thought about deeply before agreeing to anything.

7) Explain Your Perspective as Clearly as Possible to Avoid Negative Assumptions

Your partner may or may not already have some underlying feelings about poly relationships. It’s important to make sure you explain where you’re coming from as clearly as possible to ensure they understand that you’re interested in ethical non-monogamy rather than just finding multiple sexual partners.

8) Keep Things Private Until You’ve Made a Decision as a Couple

Although having a support system in life is a good thing, big decisions like opening your relationship or exploring polyamory should be kept private until you’re both on the same page.

This means not disclosing your discussions to mutual friends and not seeking out potential partners until both people involved in the primary relationship have talked everything through properly.

9) Invest in Therapy if Necessary

Bringing up the idea of polyamory can trigger strong emotions in some people. It can also be difficult to navigate a poly relationship with multiple partners as there are so many options. Therapy, both individually and as a couple, can help ensure the strength of your relationship before you bring other people in.

What to look for in a therapist:

• Make sure they’re a licensed marriage therapist
• Choose a therapist with experience in non-monogamy
• Take the time to address concerns from both sides
• Use the time to work out the type of polyamory that works for you, from solo polyamory to hierarchical polyamory

10) Take it Slow, Have Multiple Conversations, and Keep Communication Open

Opening your monogamous relationship to include several partners is a huge step and one that shouldn’t be taken lightly. Take things slowly, have multiple conversations with your partner, and even if they’re reluctant, you should keep communication open to see if there are other things you can do to make sure you’re both satisfied with your relationship.

The Benefits of Polyamorous Relationships

Polyamorous relationships can offer numerous benefits, both to the individuals involved and their relationships, including:

• Broader support network: Multiple partners provide a wider circle for emotional support, advice, and companionship.
• Exploring different aspects of personality: Each relationship is unique, allowing for the expression and celebration of different parts of one’s identity.
• Personal growth: Polyamorous relationships require self-awareness, communication, and negotiation skills, enhancing all areas of life.
• Satisfying deep connections: For those inclined towards forming deep, intimate connections with more than one person, polyamory provides a framework for the respectful and ethical coexistence of multiple relationships.

However, it’s important to note that these benefits depend on all parties adhering to principles of honesty, communication and consent.

Like any kind of relationship, polyamory is not without its challenges, and it won’t be the right choice for everyone. But for those who feel drawn to it, polyamory can bring numerous rewards.

Changing Relationship Dynamics for a Stronger Bond

Initiating a conversation about polyamory with your partner requires careful thought, understanding, and patience. Deciding to have multiple intimate partners is a substantial shift in the dynamics of your existing relationship, and it’s entirely okay if it takes time for your partner to process.

The key is to approach the conversation with honesty, clarity, and an open mind. While polyamory offers the opportunity for individual growth and deeper connections, it also demands strong communication skills, self-awareness, and a commitment to honesty and consent.

We recommend seeking professional advice if you find this transition challenging or if it triggers strong emotions. The goal is to strengthen your bond, regardless of the relationship structure you choose.

If you’re ready to begin exploring polyamorous relationships, check out Illicit Encounters to meet like-minded people and potential new partners.

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