How to Forgive Yourself for Cheating: 7 Steps for Self-Forgiveness

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So you had an affair, but now it’s over, and you want to move on, which bears the question… how do you forgive yourself after cheating? 

While it might seem like an appropriate punishment to sit with your guilt and distress, it’s not productive.

Whether it was a foolish drunken kiss or a longer-term affair, you can’t wallow in shame forever. 

From learning from your mistakes so you don’t make them again to giving journaling and therapy a try, we’ve got plenty of tips to help you show yourself and your partner you’re serious about growing and moving on from your infidelity.

Here’s our 7 steps…

1. Learn About the 4 R’s
2. Learn From Your Mistakes
3. Be Clear About What You Want
4. Start Journaling or Try Therapy
5. Practice Self-Care & Mindfulness
6. Be Patient With Yourself & Your Partner
7. Create Support Systems

Get your head out of the tub of ice cream and let’s look a little more closely at what’s involved…

Expert Advice from Therapists: How to Forgive Yourself for Cheating

Learning to forgive yourself for cheating is a long process that requires lots of patience and tough personal development.

Whether you want to forgive yourself for cheating so you can repair your primary relationship or you want to get rid of your guilt to enjoy your affair more fully, here are some practical exercises that might help.

Step 1: Learn About the Four ‘R’s

Kelsey Schultz, a Ph.D. candidate from the Berkeley Well-Being Institute, states that the four R’s are the most important thing when it comes to learning to forgive yourself.

The four R’s include: – Responsibility – Remorse – Restoration – Renewal

These are the four basic steps you need to take in order to forgive yourself and make amends with your partner. 

Responsibility and remorse are fairly self-explanatory; you need to take responsibility for what happened.

Restoration refers to making amends with your spouse. Although not telling your partner about your affair seems easier, it actually makes it harder for you to move forward and forgive yourself.

The final R, renewal, is all about personal growth. 

This is where you learn from your mistakes and come out the other side with a better understanding of yourself, self-compassion , and stronger personal values.

Step 2: Learn from Your Mistakes

Sara Lindberg, M.Ed., is a registered counsellor and prominent mental health writer, and one of her top pieces of advice is to learn from your mistakes.

Everyone makes mistakes, but if you can turn yours into a teaching moment, you can get something worthwhile from it.

When reflecting on why you cheated, try to identify some common triggers that made you want to act on those urges in the first place. This is the first step to self-improvement, and it can also be a great place to start rebuilding your relationship with your partner.

Just remember that “I” statements are important when discussing this with your partner. You don’t want to come across as if you’re blaming them! It’s not a good look.

Step 3: Be Clear About What You Want From Your Marriage

If you want to move forward from your infidelity (whether that’s with your current partner or someone in the future), you need to know what you want. 

When you’ve worked out what caused you to cheat in the first place, you can focus on what that means for what you want in life and relationships.

This also refers to how you want to proceed in terms of telling your spouse. You might want to protect them from the upset, but be mindful that this can hinder your own healing process and might cause them more harm in the long run.

If you decide to disclose the cheating to your partner, make sure you choose a calm, quiet moment when you can dedicate time to talking it out. 

Try to avoid blurting it out during a high-stress moment; it never ends well!

Step 4: Start Journaling or Try Therapy

Journaling might seem like something born of a TikTok trend or Gen Z buzzword, but it’s actually a tried and tested way to help you work through your feelings.

Besides guilt and shame, you’re probably feeling a bunch of other emotions all at once. Getting them down on paper can help you make sense of them, process them, and decide how to move forward.

Making sense of your feelings can help you articulate them more clearly to your partner if you choose to discuss them. It can also help avoid misunderstandings that can make the situation worse.

If you’re new to journaling, here are some journaling styles that are good for beginners:

Stream of Consciousness	Write whatever comes to mind without worrying about structure, grammar, or spelling.  This freeform style helps you release emotions and thoughts as they flow naturally.
Prompt-Based	Use specific prompts or questions to guide your writing.  These prompts can be about your feelings, goals, or specific events, making it easier to know where to start.
Bullet Journaling	Combine short notes, sketches, and lists to organise your thoughts and track daily habits.  This method works well for those who prefer a structured approach.
Emotion-Focused	Note down specific emotions you’re feeling and explore their causes.  This helps you gain clarity on your inner state and find patterns in your emotional responses.

If journaling isn’t really for you, or you’re not sure how to genuinely get in touch with your feelings, you can always enlist the help of a licensed therapist to help you work through your current feelings and even what led you to cheat in the first place.

Step 5: Practice Self-Care & Mindfulness

Self-care is a common suggestion for just about anything, but that’s not a reason to discount it. In fact, it can be really beneficial when trying to forgive yourself.

We’re all human beings; we all make mistakes, but that doesn’t mean we should wallow in self-pity and stop taking care of ourselves.

While it might feel natural to punish yourself for your indiscretion by not taking care of yourself, it’ll do more harm than good and can damage your chances of reconciliation. 

If your spouse (who’s the victim in the situation) sees that you’re just wallowing and throwing a pity party, they’re more likely to feel irritated than empathetic.

Some of our top tips for self-care include – Spending time in nature – Exercising – Resting – Take care of your hygiene – Indulging in your hobbies – Reaching out for help

Whatever your version of self-care looks like, it’s important to ensure that you’re truly immersing yourself in the activity to get the most out of it.

Step 6: Be Patient With Yourself & Your Partner

We’re going to say this over and over again, but healing takes time. In fact, forgiving yourself for cheating is only the first step in the healing process, and that alone takes a while!

When you’re trying to gain a new perspective or tone down your self-criticism, you have to have patience with yourself. 

Accepting what happened and moving on is a lengthy process that will have its fair share of setbacks. All you can do is embrace the journey and learn from it as much as possible.

It’s also important to note that you need to be patient with your partner as well. It’s natural for your ability to forgive yourself to be intrinsically tied to whether your spouse forgives you.

They’ll be more hurt than you are, so it’ll take them even longer to forgive you (or it might never happen). You need to be prepared for that and give them all the time they need.

Step 7: Create Support Systems With People You Trust

Even if you haven’t told your spouse about cheating, it’s important to have a support system to help you through it.

This can be a trusted friend or family member. Although this might seem like a risky move if you’re trying to keep it from your partner for now, it can also be incredibly helpful. Your friends and family know you better than anyone else. 

They care for you and want the best for you.

Of course, a mental health professional can give you someone to confide in if you’re concerned about being judged by your loved ones. They can also help you deal with your feelings of guilt to allow you to confide in your friends and family.

The Psychology of Guilt & Shame in an Affair

When we cheat on a spouse, whether we’re caught or not, we can feel guilty and shameful.

These negative emotions can stay with us for a long time. But before we can begin to overcome them and let them go, we need to understand what they are and how they affect us.

What is Guilt & How Do You Overcome It After Cheating?

Guilt is a heavy feeling we get in the pit of our stomachs when we know we’ve done something wrong.

Guilt is probably one of the strongest emotions that we experience when we cheat. It can become so overwhelming that it can lead to depression and anxiety.

According to Healthline, though guilt can sometimes promote positive growth, it can also linger and hold you back long after others have forgotten or forgiven what happened.

The good news is that there are ways to work through guilt, such as talking to a trusted friend or family member about what happened. This helps us process our feelings of guilt and gives us an opportunity to make things right with ourselves and our self-image.

Seeking professional help when experiencing cheating guilt can help you protect your mental health, which can lead to a better outcome, no matter how you decide to move forward with your relationships.

What is Shame & How Do You Overcome It After Cheating?

Shame is a mindset deeply ingrained within us. It has a way of changing our identity instead of simply accepting responsibility.

We might feel guilt for our actions, but when something we’ve done is regarded as shameful, we tend to internalise it as part of who we are. 

Shame perpetuates the notion of “I am unworthy.” It thrives on evoking feelings of inadequacy, self-contempt, and a profound sense of inferiority and can quickly become toxic.

Overcoming shame can be a difficult task, but it’s something that should take priority when recovering from cheating. It’s important to make sure you’re aware of how you’re talking to yourself and practice being kind to yourself to dissolve your negative feelings.

How to Forgive Yourself for Being the Other Woman Or Man

Forgiving yourself for being the other woman or man in an affair involves a deep and compassionate understanding of the situation, your role in it, and the decisions that led you there.

First and foremost, if you were unaware that the person was married, you should not carry guilt for something you were deceived into. 

You acted in good faith based on the information you were given, and the fault lies solely with the person who chose to be dishonest.

However, if you entered the relationship knowing the person was married, it’s important to acknowledge your role without harsh self-judgment. 

While you bear some responsibility for contributing to the situation, the greater burden falls on the married individual, as they made the choice to betray their commitment.

Recognise that everyone makes mistakes and that this doesn’t define your worth or who you are as a person. Use this experience as an opportunity for reflection and growth, ensuring you make choices that align with your values moving forward.

Rounding Up: How to Forgive Yourself After Infidelity

Forgiving yourself after infidelity takes time and a lot of patience. 

It’s important to face those tough feelings, like guilt and shame, instead of pushing them away. 

Take a step back, think about why it happened, and own up to it — but also remember that you’re capable of learning and growing. 

By focusing on personal growth and doing what you can to make amends, you can slowly rebuild your self-respect and find your way to true forgiveness.

If you’re looking for more advice on how to navigate relationships and affairs, check out the Illicit Encounters blog for more expert relationship tips, insights, and more.

Article last updated: 03.06.25

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