Wondering whether your marriage can survive an affair? Whether you’re the one who strayed or the one who was betrayed, you can ease up a little knowing that it is possible to repair your relationship.
Licensed marriage and family therapist David Klow said for Glamour Magazine, “Couples do and can stay together after an affair, but it takes a lot of work to repair broken trust.” [1]
You’re going to have to have painful conversations and be honest about what led to the choice to step out on your marriage in the first place.
With a lot of time, love, and patience, you can find your way back to a loving and secure place that’s stronger than it was before.
Let’s explore this a bit more…
Can a Relationship Work After Cheating?
Whilst it’s true that many couples find solace, whether a relationship can truly survive after cheating depends on your unique situation.
It often comes down to how strong your bond was before the infidelity, and how committed both of you are to healing.
| “An average of 4 in 10 marriages will experience an affair…Out of these, more than half will stay together.” [source] |
Honest communication, accountability, and a willingness to work through it together are paramount.
Some couples come out stronger after working through the issues, while for others, it might be too much to fix. But if you want to be on the former side of that equation, it’s important to address the root cause of the cheating and work towards rebuilding trust.
Tips on How to Repair a Relationship After Cheating
If you’re both committed to trying to make it work after infidelity has occurred, there are a few steps you’re going to have to follow to make sure your relationship is strong and healthy and that you’ve both healed from what happened.
While this isn’t a strict guide because everyone is different, it’s a good insight into the stages of healing a relationship.
- Be totally 100% honest with your partner (and yourself)
- Own the hurt your betrayal caused (if you’re the cheat-er)
- Give your partner the space they need
- Be patient when rebuilding trust
- Seek professional counselling together
- Work to heal the underlying reason or ‘problem’
1. Be Totally Honest With Your Wife/Husband (& Yourself)
The first step in healing a marriage after an affair is to get everything out in the open — and we mean everything.
It may be tempting to keep some of the details of the affair secret in the name of protecting your spouse from unnecessary harm, but if you’re going to regain trust, you have to be totally honest.
Of course, we’re not suggesting you need to go through a minute-by-minute run-down of the escapades, but be honest about when the meet-ups occurred, how far it went physically, and all the other major stuff.
| This stage of the process can be incredibly painful for both parties and may take multiple sit-down conversations to hash everything out. |
As the person who had the affair, this is also a time to be 100% honest with yourself, too. Was the reason you cheated actually why you cheated? Did it turn into something else?
Reflect on your actions and try to understand the underlying reasons for them — this can help you communicate better.
2. Own the Hurt Your Betrayal Caused (If You’re the Cheat-er)
No matter how distant your partner was before you embarked on your affair, it’s still going to sting when they find out what happened.
While it can be natural to feel defensive when being berated for your indiscretions, it’s important to allow your partner to process the hurt they feel while you take ownership and responsibility for being the cause.
Don’t worry, you’ll have a chance to get your side across in later discussions.
Now isn’t the time to try and justify things.
| While it’s important to accept responsibility for causing pain to your partner, if they become abusive during this discussion or any other discussions in this process, you don’t have to sit and take it in the name of being accountable. It’s okay to remove yourself from unsafe or damaging situations. |
3. Give Your Partner the Space They Need
Just like any conflict, you need to be prepared to give your partner the space they need, and this goes for both sides.
We recommend having a bag packed and ready to go in case either of you needs to leave your shared home, but, as the cheater, don’t insist on leaving if your partner would rather be the one to go somewhere else.
Just have a hotel booked, or arrange to visit a friend or family member so you have somewhere to go if you’re asked to leave.
4. Be Patient When Rebuilding Trust
Once emotions have calmed down, you can start to work on rebuilding trust with your partner.
This is going to be a long process, so it’s important to have plenty of patience with one another.
There are likely to be changes to how you communicate and the boundaries your partner wants to set in the relationship to help them regain their trust in you and your commitment.
Common changes include:
- Requesting access to your phone
- Asking for regular check-ins when you’re apart
- Setting expectations for when you’re going to be home
- Requesting that you block and/or delete the contact information of your AP
It’s also important to remember that this process isn’t linear.
Your partner might make decent progress towards trusting you again, then have a setback that requires some rules to be reinstated, but with patience, love, and dedication, you can get there.
| Top Tip: Be mindful that your partner’s progress and setbacks aren’t becoming a bit of a mind game to get back at you a bit! |
5. Seek Professional Counselling Together
Reaching out to a professional couples counsellor can feel like a big step, but it’s one of the most valuable things you can do for your relationship.
A counsellor provides an unbiased space where both of you can openly express your feelings and work through them in a constructive way. They’ll help you learn how to communicate more effectively, understand each other’s perspectives, and rebuild the connection that might feel a bit lost.
Remember to choose a counsellor who’s registered with the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy and find someone who specialises in couples counselling. Bonus points if you can find someone who specialises in infidelity.
6. Work to Heal the Underlying Reasons for the Infidelity
Cheating is often a symptom of deeper issues, either within the relationship or within yourself.
To truly move forward, it’s essential to address and heal these underlying reasons.
Reflect on what led to your actions.
Was it a lack of communication, unresolved personal insecurities, or unmet emotional needs?
Whatever the cause, working through these issues is crucial for personal growth and for rebuilding a relationship founded on trust and understanding.
Consider seeking individual therapy or self-help resources to gain clarity and make positive changes, ensuring the same patterns don’t repeat in the future.
When to Move on from a Relationship After an Affair
Not all marriages can survive an affair, even if you try all the recommended steps to repair and rebuild.
Some couples manage to restore trust and even grow stronger, but for others, the hurt runs too deep to move forward.
If, after a year or so, you’re not seeing much progress or your partner keeps bringing up the infidelity during fights, it might be a sign that true healing isn’t happening.
And if the relationship has turned controlling or abusive because of the affair, then your safety and well-being have to come first.
These are signs that it might be time to let go, giving both of you the chance to find peace and heal separately.
Sometimes, walking away is the healthiest and kindest choice for everyone.
Final Thoughts: How to Keep the Love Alive After Infidelity
Rebuilding a relationship after infidelity isn’t easy, but it’s definitely possible with time, effort, and commitment from both partners. It takes patience, understanding, and honest communication to start the healing process.
Trust can be rebuilt through being open, seeking counselling, and working toward shared goals. Emotional support is key to bringing back intimacy.
It’s a gradual journey, but with dedication and a real desire to move forward, love can grow again — even after a tough past.
You can find more expert tips and advice for navigating extramarital affairs and how to keep your relationship healthy on the Illicit Encounters blog.
[1] https://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/article/cheating-recovery
FAQs
How Long Does the Average Marriage Last After an Affair?
The duration of a marriage after an affair varies widely, depending on factors like communication, commitment to repair, and professional support. Successful rebuilding can lead to stronger relationships, while unresolved issues may result in separation or divorce.
What Percentage of Marriages Survive an Affair?
Approximately 20% to 30% of marriages survive an affair, depending on factors like the couple’s willingness to seek therapy, rebuild trust, and work through underlying issues, though the healing process often requires significant time, effort, and honest communication.
Can an Affair Be Healthy for a Marriage?
While an affair is typically damaging, some couples report it as a wake-up call, prompting them to address unresolved issues and improve communication.
However, this outcome depends on mutual effort, therapy, and the ability to rebuild trust together.
What are the Reasons People Cheat in a Marriage?
People may cheat in a marriage due to a lack of emotional connection, dissatisfaction, desire for novelty, unresolved personal issues, or poor communication.
Such actions often stem from unmet needs or personal insecurities rather than a reflection of their partner.
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