If you’ve been cheated on, it’s only natural to question why people have affairs. Is it them? Is it you? Well, there’s actually some psychology behind infidelity that may offer some insight.
First and foremost, let’s address the elephant in the room. People have affairs because they want to. While that’s not the most pleasant to hear, it’s the truth.
But the reasoning behind the want is where things get complicated.
Quite often, people turn to cheating because they feel a lack of something or a disconnect on their part. That may be emotional, sexual, or even a combination of both.
People’s needs and wants change as we grow and evolve, and that factor isn’t necessarily the fault of their partner. Sometimes, if people are confused or unsure of what they truly want, they may seek out someone else to fulfil those desires.
But that’s really one small piece of the puzzle. Affairs can also stem from deeper issues, such as low self-esteem, unresolved childhood traumas, or fear of commitment.
We’ve delved into the psychological theories behind infidelity and whether it has to be the end of the road for your relationship.
Why Do People Cheat? 9 Reasons Men & Women Have Affairs
When someone cheats, the first question that usually comes up is, why? Having an affair isn’t something that just happens out of nowhere, it’s often a feeling that builds up over time.
That’s what makes the question of why people cheat so complicated. The truth is, the reasons for cheating in a relationship can be different for every couple.
So, let’s look at some of the common reasons people might choose to have an affair, even when they’re in a committed relationship.
1. Issues With a Lack of Intimacy
One of the main reasons people have affairs is a lack of intimacy in their relationship. When you’ve been with someone for a long time, it’s easy for things to feel a little stale, and that closeness can start to fade.
Intimacy is such an important part of a healthy relationship, so it’s not hard to see why some people might go looking for it elsewhere.
2. Feeling an Emotional Disconnect
One big reason people cheat is feeling emotionally disconnected from their relationship.
Communication is so important, and if you can’t share your feelings with your partner, it’s easy to look for that connection elsewhere.
An affair can feel like a way to reconnect emotionally and get those needs met again.
3. Struggling With Low Self-Esteem
People with low self-esteem are more likely to cheat because they might feel like their partner doesn’t truly love them.
When your self-esteem is low, it’s easy to get stuck in your own head and assume the worst about how your partner feels.Even if that’s not the case, having an affair can sometimes feel like a quick confidence boost, which explains why so many people end up straying after 6 months to a year of an affair.
4. They Have A Need for Variety
Some people crave a little variety in their relationships, whether it’s physical or emotional. For some, being with one person forever sounds perfect, but for others, monogamy just doesn’t feel right.
Sure, you can find ways to mix things up in a marriage, but having an affair can open up entirely new possibilities and bring more excitement into your love life.
5. They’re Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship
Sometimes, people turn to affairs as a way to avoid dealing with problems in their main relationship. Instead of facing tough issues or admitting the relationship might be falling apart, they look for comfort elsewhere.
An affair can feel like an escape, a temporary break from the stress or unhappiness they’re feeling in their marriage at home.
For those who struggle with communication or are afraid of what might happen if they confront their partner, it might seem like the easier option. But in reality, this avoidance usually just delays the tough conversations and often creates even more pain down the line.
6. They’re Trying to Escape Reality
Life can get overwhelming sometimes — feeling stressed, family conflicts, or too much pressure at work can make people feel like they need an escape.
For some, that escape comes in the form of an affair. It might feel like a way to distract themselves or regain a sense of control and freedom, even if it’s just temporary.
Affairs can give the illusion of a problem-free world, offering a brief moment of relief.
But this kind of escape usually doesn’t last and often makes things more complicated, adding guilt and emotional strain on top of everything else.
7. They Have Unmet Needs
When a person’s emotional or physical needs go unmet in their primary relationship, they may seek fulfilment elsewhere.
This can manifest in the form of an affair, which might serve as an attempt to satisfy needs for affection, attention, or intimacy that they feel are lacking.
While this doesn’t justify the action, it highlights the importance of addressing such needs within a relationship. This is common when there’s a new baby in the relationship or a long-term illness.The best way to understand this is by having a conversation with your partner and asking them questions to understand their unfaithfulness.
8. They’re an Opportunistic Cheater
Opportunistic cheaters aren’t out there actively looking for affairs. Instead, they take advantage of situations where infidelity just kind of… happens.
Maybe it’s a colleague at work or someone they bump into during their daily routine.
The familiarity and ease of access can make it harder for them to stick to their boundaries, and in the heat of the moment, they give in to temptation.
It’s usually not planned, it’s more about the circumstances catching them off guard.
9. They’re Exploring Their Identity
Sometimes, an affair happens because someone is trying to figure out who they are or deal with unresolved personal issues. It often comes from a place of inner conflict or dissatisfaction that they might not fully understand or know how to handle.
For some, stepping outside their relationship is a way to explore what they’re feeling, what they want, or what might be missing in their lives.
It can also be a way of coping with unresolved emotions from the past, like childhood neglect, tough breakups, or feeling like they’re not enough.
The Psychology Behind Cheating
Psychologists have identified several theories to explain why people cheat. Turns out, it’s a mix of biological, emotional, and mental factors all working together in a pretty complicated way.
The top 5 theories are:
- The Evolutionary Perspective
- Attachment Theory
- The Big Five Personality Traits
- Self-Determination Theory
- Cognitive Dissonance Theory
The Evolutionary Perspective
From an evolutionary perspective, cheating is often seen as a survival tactic.
For men, it’s thought to come from a subconscious drive to spread their genes with multiple partners, boosting their chances of reproduction.
For women, it might be about finding the best possible genetics for their kids or securing extra resources outside their main relationship.
These are just theories, but they do shed some light on why cheating seems to be a universal pattern across different cultures.
Attachment Theory
Attachment theory suggests that how we form emotional bonds as kids can shape our adult relationships.
If someone has an insecure attachment style — like avoidant or anxious — they might have a tough time with things like trust and intimacy. This can sometimes lead to cheating as a way to fill emotional gaps in their main relationship.
For example, someone avoidant might cheat to keep their distance emotionally, while someone anxious might do it to get validation from someone else.
The Big Five Personality Traits
Personality traits can say a lot about the likelihood of someone cheating.
Studies show that people who are more impulsive, extroverted, or narcissistic might be more prone to infidelity because they tend to take risks, crave attention, or prioritise themselves.
On the other hand, those who are highly conscientious or agreeable are less likely to cheat since they value commitment and keeping the peace in their relationships.
Self-Determination Theory
Self-determination theory is all about the need for autonomy, competence, and connection.
If these needs aren’t being met in a relationship, someone might look for fulfilment elsewhere.
For example, they could feel trapped without enough independence or emotional connection and turn to an affair to regain a sense of freedom or find the intimacy they’re missing.
Cognitive Dissonance Theory
Cognitive dissonance is what happens when your actions don’t match your beliefs, and it can cause a lot of internal conflict.
For someone who cheats, this often leads to rationalising their behaviour, like downplaying the affair or blaming their partner or the relationship.
It’s a way to ease the guilt and make the situation feel less overwhelming, which can make it easier for them to keep doing it without feeling too bad.
Conclusion: Can Your Relationship Survive After an Affair?
Simply put, yes, your relationship can survive an affair.
But it takes a lot of effort, honesty, and commitment from both of you.
Not all affairs lead to divorce — some couples even come out stronger on the other side. It all starts with open communication and tackling the issues that may have led to infidelity.
Rebuilding trust is key, and getting professional help, like couples counselling, can really make a difference. The road to recovery isn’t easy, but if you’re both willing to work through it, forgive, and grow together, you can build a stronger, healthier relationship for the future.
Read our advice on how to move on from infidelity and what you can do to rekindle your romance.
Article Updated: February 2025
FAQs
Can You Stay With Someone Who Cheated?
Yes, staying with someone who cheated is possible if both partners are willing to address the underlying issues, rebuild trust, and communicate openly. It requires commitment and effort from both sides to create a stronger, healthier relationship moving forward.
Is Someone a Cheater If They Cheat Once?
No, someone who cheats once is not automatically a bonafide cheater.
While their actions are hurtful, it’s important to evaluate the context, their remorse, and their willingness to change before labelling them, as everyone is capable of growth and learning.
Why Do People Have Emotional Affairs?
People often have emotional affairs because they feel like something’s missing in their current relationship.
Over time, relationships can lose that spark and excitement, leaving people feeling unfulfilled. An affair becomes a way for them to get those emotional needs met by someone else.
How Common Are Affairs?
Affairs are relatively common, with studies indicating that around 20% to 25% of married individuals in the UK will experience infidelity at some point in their relationship, although exact figures can vary due to underreporting and differing definitions of infidelity.
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