The Facebook message arrived on a rainy Tuesday: “Thinking about you. How’s life?” It was from Mark—her university boyfriend, the one she’d nearly married, the one who still appeared occasionally in her dreams. Within three weeks, they were meeting for coffee. Within three months, they were having an affair.
“It felt so natural,” Sarah, 46, from Birmingham, told us. “We already knew each other deeply. The conversation picked up exactly where we’d left off twenty years ago. There was none of the awkwardness of meeting someone new. It felt like coming home.”
Six months later, her marriage was in ruins, her affair with Mark had imploded spectacularly, and she was struggling to understand how something that felt so right had gone so wrong.
The Comfort of Known Territory
Reconnecting with former partners holds obvious appeal. The shared history eliminates the awkward getting-to-know-you phase. The attraction has already been established. There’s a foundation of intimacy that new relationships take months to build.
“I joined IE initially to meet new people,” David, 48, from Leeds, explained. “But when my first girlfriend from school reached out on LinkedIn, it seemed so much easier. We had twenty years of history, thousands of shared memories. Starting an affair with her felt less risky than meeting a stranger.”
This comfort is deceptive. The familiarity that makes reconnection easy also makes it dangerous—because you’re not actually picking up where you left off. You’re starting something new with someone who represents your past, and those two timelines don’t align cleanly.
The Fantasy Problem
Old flames carry the weight of what might have been. The relationship that ended before it soured, the love that circumstances interrupted, the person you were when you were with them—all of these create a fantasy that the rekindled affair can rarely sustain.
“My affair with my ex was perfect for about two months,” Helen, 44, from Manchester, recalled. “Then reality intruded. He was still the same person he’d been at twenty-five—charming but unreliable, exciting but self-absorbed. I’d spent twenty years remembering only the good parts. The bad parts hadn’t changed.”
The fantasy of the old flame often involves nostalgia for who you were when you were together. Reconnecting with an ex means confronting who you’ve become—and who they’ve become—which can be disillusioning for both parties.
The Escalation Risk
Affairs with strangers carry their own risks, but affairs with exes have a specific danger: the emotional intensity is often higher from the start. You’re not building something new; you’re resurrecting something old. The feelings are already there, dormant but accessible.
“I fell in love with my ex-husband all over again,” Claire, 49, from Glasgow, admitted. “It wasn’t just an affair—it was a second chance at the life I’d given up. I started planning to leave my current husband, imagining a future with my ex, picturing our grown children at our second wedding.”
When that affair collapsed—as it inevitably did, since the original problems that ended the first marriage hadn’t been resolved—she lost not just a lover but a fantasy future she’d constructed in elaborate detail.
The Discovery Consequences
Being discovered in an affair is always devastating. Being discovered in an affair with an ex adds particular humiliation—the sense that your spouse isn’t just being betrayed, but being compared unfavourably to someone from your past.
“My wife found out about my affair with my college girlfriend,” James, 51, from Edinburgh, told us. “The betrayal was bad enough, but the fact that it was with someone I’d loved before her—that I was essentially saying she’d never measured up—made it so much worse. She couldn’t see it as a mistake; she saw it as a verdict on our entire marriage.”
A Clean Slate Changes Everything
Illicit Encounters exists partly to provide an alternative to the old-flame trap. Meeting someone new through the platform means starting fresh—no shared history, no nostalgic baggage, no fantasy of what might have been.
“My affair with an IE contact was so much healthier than my attempt to reconnect with my ex,” Mark, 45, from Bristol, reflected. “With the new person, we were building something from scratch—two adults choosing each other in the present moment. There was no past haunting us, no what-ifs distorting our perceptions. It was just… honest.”
This honesty—the recognition that you’re seeking connection outside your marriage with someone who represents your present needs, not your past dreams—is one advantage of meeting new people rather than rekindling old fires.
Related Reading
If you’re considering discreet dating, understanding the full picture can help. Our press team recently explored how often partners secretly check phones.
The Hard Truth
If an old flame reaches out and you’re tempted to respond, ask yourself: what am I actually seeking? Is it this specific person, or is it a version of myself that existed when I was with them? Is it genuine connection, or escape from my current reality?
The person you were when you loved them isn’t the person you are now. The problems that ended the relationship likely haven’t been resolved. And the fantasy of picking up where you left off ignores the decades of life that have shaped you both.
IE offers something different: the chance to meet someone who knows nothing about your past, who has no expectations based on who you used to be, who wants you as you are now. For many members, that’s not a limitation—it’s liberation.
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