Most of us tend to feel a tad awkward having any conversation around sex, particularly the things we like or are open to. And even more so when it comes to sexual fantasies. So, how do you discuss sexual fantasies without feeling…uncomfortable?
One answer: Confidence!
According to Heartfelt Counseling [1], we often find openly talking about sex ‘inappropriate’ because we were raised in environments where “sexual topics were hush-hush”, and “these unspoken rules can feed into a sense of shame or embarrassment” later in life.
But, in reality, talking about sexual fantasies is healthy!
It can deepen connection, create an understanding between you and your sexual partner, and make sex a lot more enjoyable.
Once you recognise that there’s nothing wrong with talking openly about sex, and particularly sexual fantasies, the conversation will flow to you easy.
But, of course, getting that confidence doesn’t usually just happen – you need to find it. And that’s where our advice is going to help you.
Are Sexual Fantasies ‘Normal’ or Common?
As social creatures who are conscious of other people’s opinions and judgments, there’s definitely a fear around whether our sexual fantasies are ‘normal’ or not. We don’t want people to think we’re weird, right?
Well, we can immediately put that fear to bed.
Sexual fantasies and desires are ab-so-lute-ly normal.
| Psychology Today says, “Sexual fantasies are normal for most adults regardless of gender, age, or relationship status.” |
They also explain that our human minds are wired to be “sexual, creative, and exploratory”. Fantasising is essentially a way our brains satisfy our sexual wants, and that’s where our sexual fantasy ideas come from.
Sexual desire makes up a large part of most extramarital affairs, too, so it’s not just a normal part of our solo sex lives.
Stats on Common Sexual Fantasies
Still need convincing that you’re not the only one with a wild imagination? Here are some stats to prove just how normal and common sexual fantasies are:
- 95% of men and 87% of women have fantasised about sex with more than one person. They are most common among people in their 40s and 50s. (source)
- 81% of men and 84% of women have fantasised about having sex in public. (source)
- 35% of women are interested in threesomes. (source)
- 81% of people would be open to trying something new to satisfy their partner. (source)
- 93% of women and 81% of men had fantasised about being sexually dominated. (source)
Feeling a bit more confident in your turn-ons now?
9 Tips on How to Talk to Your Partner About Sexual Fantasies
You’ve probably been thinking about your sexual fantasies since you were a teenager, and although they might have changed a bit over the years, revealing them to a partner isn’t always easy.
Also, when we talk about ‘your partner’, this is your sexual partner, which could be your spouse, your romantic partner, an affair partner, a friend-with-benefits. Whoever you share your sex life with.
Sexual desires are very personal, and it can be very vulnerable to bring them up to someone, no matter how much you trust them.
So, here are our top tips on how to talk to your partner about sexual fantasies.
1. Choose the Right Moment to Bring it Up
Just blurting out what you want to do to your partner or what you want them to do to you isn’t our recommended method (although it might be the easiest), especially if your fantasy is a bit out there!
Instead, be mindful of how you tell them, and choose the right moment to bring it up.
Romantic dates might feel like a good time, but discussing being pegged by your partner in a fancy restaurant isn’t it!
Instead, choose a moment when you’re both (relatively) sober and have been getting flirty and spicy already. This mood sets the right tone for the conversation.
Don’t wait until things have already started getting down and dirty, as this can feel like an ambush, and your partner might feel pressured to start acting out your fantasy then and there. This can feel icky for both of you, and might even border on sexual coercion. |
2. Be Completely Honest About Your Desires
We all like to think that being completely honest with your partner is the default, but it’s a lot harder than you think!
When it comes to talking about fantasies and desires — whether serious or as a joke between you — being honest is key to getting the most out of the conversation.
If you respond with a generic fantasy that you think they want to hear, you’re the one who’s gonna end up disappointed in the end.
Instead, offer an honest fantasy, even if it’s not your main one, that helps you take baby steps towards revealing more personal desires.
3. Ask About Their Sexual Desires As Well As Your Own
While sharing our desires and fantasies can be exhilarating, especially if your partner seems into it, make sure you don’t forget to ask them about their fantasies, too!
Asking your partner what they fantasise about can help you be a better lover to them and indulge in their desires more, which will make them want to indulge in yours as well.
4. Be Curious, Not Critical
No matter how well you think you know your partner, sometimes fantasies and desires can come out of left field! When this happens, it’s important to remain curious and avoid being critical of them.
Don’t yuck their yum!
Even if a fantasy takes you off guard, and even if it makes you feel a little icky, asking them why they’d like that helps open up the conversation and allows you to get to know them better instead of causing shame and shutting the conversation down.
5. Always Use “I” Statements When Discussing Fantasies
While discussing your fantasies can be a lot of fun, it can also be a bit of a delicate subject depending on what your desires are and how your partner reacts to them.
Because of the potentially sensitive nature of the conversation, it’s best to stick to “I” statements at the start!
| Some examples of effective “I” statements include: – “I’ve been thinking about this thing I’d like to do with you” – “I read about something that turned me on, I’d like to do this with you.” – “I want to explore X with you, what do you think?“ – “I’m excited to explore this together and see how we can make it enjoyable for both of us.” |
6. Consent Should Always Be Part of the Conversation
It goes without saying that whenever something sexual is involved, consent should be a top priority. This goes for the conversation around fantasies as well as the acts themselves.
If you’re getting into the nitty gritty of fantasies and things are getting a little too much for one of you, asking to stop is fine and should be respected.
Even if they’re into your proposed fantasies, it’s important to discuss how consent will be handled during the act, especially for certain darker or more taboo fantasies.
7. Discuss Safe Words if Appropriate
Speaking of keeping things kosher in the kinky bedroom, if your fantasy requires a safe word at any point, it’s best to get this out of the way sooner rather than later.
Thinking up a safe word in the heat of the moment rarely works.
Either one of you will forget it, or when it comes to using it, you realise it actually makes sense in context, so it doesn’t stand out as a clear way of telling them to stop.
| Things to think about when coming up with a safe word: – Choose a word that is easy to remember and unlikely to be used in everyday conversation or during the activity. – Avoid words that could be misinterpreted or confused with roleplay dialogue. – Opt for something short and simple to say, even in moments of heightened emotion. – Ensure it’s a word that both you and your partner(s) agree on and feel comfortable using. – Consider using a traffic light system (e.g., “red” for stop, “yellow” for pause/slow down) for added clarity. – Test the word in your conversation beforehand to ensure it feels natural to use if needed. |
If you’ve never stepped out of your comfort zone sexually before, it can be overwhelming trying to imagine what some fantasies would look or feel like in reality.
To help get a partner on board with a fantasy, consider sharing resources from other people who have tried it to help them feel more informed and potentially more excited! Online forums like Reddit can be a great place to start.
9. Work Through Any Shame Around Sexual Thoughts First!
If you struggle with thoughts of shame that affect your ability to be open about your sexuality and desires with partners, it’s important to work through those feelings to have a completely fulfilled sex life.
A registered sex therapist can help you work through your feelings to help you open up and explore yourself and your partners more fully.
How to Safely Explore Fantasies With a Partner
Exploring new kinks or fantasies for the first time can be a little bit daunting, we know. But it’s really just about overcoming that first hurdle, and after the first experience, the rest will come naturally.
Here’s what we suggest doing…
Communicate Openly & Honestly
The foundation of safely exploring fantasies and kinks is open communication. Have a calm and non-judgmental conversation with your partner about what you want from your sex life.
Share what interests you, and encourage your partner to do the same.
It’s essential to create a safe space for both of you to feel heard and respected.
Set Boundaries & Use Those Safewords
Clearly establish boundaries before trying anything new. Discuss what you are comfortable with, and identify any hard limits.
And use one of those safe words we talked about earlier! It ensures that either partner can pause or stop the activity at any time if they feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed.
Start Small & Build Trust
Start by exploring your fantasies or kinks gradually, rather than jumping into more intense experiences. This allows both you and your partner to build trust and become more comfortable as you learn what works for each other.
Educate Yourselves
Take the time to educate yourself about the kink or fantasy you want to explore. This could involve reading, watching instructional content, or seeking advice from reputable sources.
Knowledge about safety protocols and proper techniques is key to ensuring a positive experience.
Prioritise Consent
Consent is non-negotiable in any activity, particularly when it involves fantasies or kinks. Both you and your partner must give enthusiastic, informed, and ongoing consent throughout the experience.
If at any point someone is unsure or no longer feels comfortable, pause and reassess.
Reflect & Communicate Again (& Again, & Again…)
After trying something new, it’s important to check in with your partner. Discuss how you both felt about the experience, what you enjoyed, and what could be improved. This open reflection helps in strengthening trust and understanding between partners.
| Always remember that exploring fantasies and kinks should bring you closer as a couple and enhance your intimacy, not cause pressure or discomfort. Take things at your own pace and prioritise mutual respect and safety. |
What If My Sexual Desire is Dark or Taboo?
Having dark or taboo sexual desires doesn’t make you a bad person, it’s just part of being human.
These desires often come from the complexity of our minds, influenced by emotions, fantasies, or even past experiences. When handled responsibly (and this is key), some of these desires can be safely explored, as long as both partners feel comfortable and respected.
Open communication, trust, and understanding are so important here. Setting boundaries and using tools like “safe words” can help make sure everyone feels secure and on the same page.
| Disclaimer: Acts such as bestiality, paedophilia, or (non-roleplay) rape are not only illegal, but also inherently harmful and deeply unethical. These types of desires should not be acted upon under any circumstances. If you are struggling with such thoughts, seeking the help of a licensed therapist or counsellor is essential. A professional can provide the tools, support, and guidance needed to process these feelings in a safe and constructive manner, ultimately helping to protect both yourself and others. |
No, you absolutely don’t have to share your sexual fantasies if you’re not comfortable. They’re personal, and it’s totally up to you whether you want to talk about them or not.
Sharing something so private takes trust and willingness to be vulnerable, and you should never feel pressured.
On the flip side, you’re also not obligated to listen to someone else’s fantasies if it makes you uncomfortable.
Setting boundaries and looking after your emotional well-being is so important. Communication is key in relationships, but respect for each other’s privacy and limits should always come first.
If you’re not sure what your sexual fantasies are, you can use some simple sexual drinking games to spice up your sex life and allow you to explore your sexuality more.
Talking about your sexual fantasies with your partner can be a great way to build intimacy and strengthen your connection. Opening up about what you want helps create trust and makes both of you feel understood.
Sharing fantasies can bring back some excitement, reignite passion, and even deepen your bond. It also encourages open communication, giving you both a chance to explore new ways to make your relationship more satisfying.
If you’re looking for more expert tips and tricks to bring the spark back to your marriage, or to learn how to have an extramarital affair that strengthens your relationship, check out the Illicit Encounters blog!
FAQs
What Are the Most Common Sexual Fantasies?
Sexual fantasies vary widely, but common ones include:
– Role-playing
– Trying new locations
– Experimenting with power dynamics
– Introducing new experiences like threesomes.
These fantasies often reflect personal desires, curiosity, or a wish to add excitement to intimate relationships.
What Are Women’s Top Fantasies?
Every woman is different, but women’s top fantasies often include:
– Romantic scenarios
– Being desired
– Experimenting with dominance or submission
– Threesomes
– Exploring new settings
These fantasies typically focus on emotional connection, passion, and the thrill of trying something outside their usual experiences.
Is it Okay to Fantasise About Others While in a Relationship?
Yes, it’s normal to fantasise about others while in a relationship. Fantasies are private and do not necessarily reflect a desire to act on them. Open communication helps establish boundaries and ensures mutual understanding between partners.
Are Fantasies Key to a Healthy Sexual Relationship?
Yes, fantasies can enhance a sexual relationship by fostering creativity, excitement, and intimacy.
They allow partners to explore desires in a safe, imaginative way, contributing to a deeper connection when openly shared and aligned with mutual boundaries.
What Counts As Kinks & Fantasies?
Kinks and fantasies are all about what people find exciting or arousing, and they can be totally different from the usual sexual norms.
Kinks might focus on certain activities, dynamics, or objects, while fantasies are more about imagining scenarios, whether or not they actually happen in real life.
Everyone’s preferences are unique, and that’s completely normal. Having a fantasy or kink that isn’t vanilla is perfectly normal, and you should feel free to explore that in a safe and consensual way.
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