Extramarital affairs can bring so many positives to your life and your relationship, but inevitably, they have to end at some point if they don’t morph into something more. Knowing how to get over an affair can be one of the hardest things to learn.
When the time comes to break things off and say goodbye to your affair partner, things can get messy, and it can be difficult to know how you’ll ever go back to life before your affair or how you’ll get over the love you shared.
But don’t worry. At Illicit Encounters, we know that there’s life beyond transformative extramarital affairs, no matter how long it lasted.
With our 7-step guide, you’ll move past your affair and head into a future with everything you learned from the experiences.
How to Get Over an Affair in 7 Steps
Seven steps might seem far too simple to deal with the heartache and pain you’re feeling at the end of your relationship, but if you take them seriously, you’ll be well on your way to cherishing the good times and looking forward to your future.
Step 1: End the Affair
Ending the affair with your partner is an essential first step on the path to recovery. It might seem daunting, especially if you’ve shared a deep emotional connection, but it’s crucial for healing.
By making a clean break, you allow yourself to start processing your emotions and set boundaries that help you move forward.
Closure is key here; whether it’s through a conversation or a written goodbye, expressing your intention to part ways prevents lingering attachments that could impede your progress.
Remember, this isn’t just about saying goodbye – it’s about reclaiming your life and creating a space where you can begin to focus on your own well-being and the future ahead.
Step 2: Cut Off All Contact With Your Affair Partner
It’s really important to cut off all contact with your affair partner for a few reasons. Keeping in touch can keep those emotional ties alive, making it hard to move on and heal.
By cutting communication, you give yourself the space needed to avoid the temptation of going back to those past feelings and moments.
Plus, it helps both of you set new personal boundaries and focus on your own lives, reducing the chance of restarting the affair.
This step is key to putting your past affairs behind you and looking forward to building relationships that match your values and goals.
By prioritising no contact, you give yourself the freedom to focus on healthier relationships and personal growth.
| If you were having an affair at work, going no-contact can be difficult. Take steps to avoid everything other than necessary interactions and try to move departments if possible. |
Step 3: Delete Reminders of Your Infidelity from Your Devices
It’s not enough to not see them or talk to them anymore.
Having special dates in your calendar under pseudonyms, coming across pictures you took together on secret getaways, and even just seeing their name in your contacts can be enough to make you want to go running back.
When you end things and cut off contact, it’s important to delete any lingering reminders from your devices to make the transition a little bit easier.
| Deleting things from your devices also makes the process easier on your spouse if you’re working through this together. |
Step 4: Sit With Your Feelings to Start Recovery
Letting yourself feel your emotions is key to moving on healthily from an affair. If you bottle up or ignore what you’re feeling, it can lead to unresolved issues and drag out your healing process.
By sitting with your feelings– whether it’s sadness, regret, guilt, or even relief – you give yourself a chance to understand and work through them.
This self-awareness can help you grow personally and learn from what happened.
Remember, feeling a wide range of emotions is completely normal and just part of being human. Instead of beating yourself up over how you feel, allow yourself the space to explore these emotions as part of your healing journey.
| Some of the common feelings you might experience include: – Grief: Mourning the loss of the relationship and the emotional bond that was shared. – Anger: Feeling upset either at yourself, your partner, or circumstances surrounding the affair. – Pain: Experiencing emotional and sometimes physical distress due to the end of the affair. – Fear: Worry about what the future holds and how to rebuild life post-affair. – Guilt: A sense of shame for the choices made and their impact on others. – Sadness: Feeling down due to the separation and change in one’s personal life. – Regret: Wishing things could have been different or handled in another way. – Relief: A sense of liberation from the secrecy and pressure of maintaining the affair. – Confusion: Experiencing uncertainty about one’s feelings and what comes next. – Emptiness: Feeling a void or sense of loss without the relationship in daily life. |
Step 5: Remember Why You Ended Things
When you’re missing your affair partner, it’s important to remember why you ended things. It’s easy to get swept up in nostalgia and forget the reasons that pushed you to walk away.
Maybe it was guilt, wanting to focus on your marriage, or realising the affair just couldn’t last. Whatever the reason, keep it in mind to help you stay grounded.
Remind yourself regularly why this decision matters for your future and personal growth. It’s key not to let those fleeting feelings of longing throw you off track from moving forward and building a more stable, fulfilling life.
Step 6: Reconnect With Your Spouse & Revive Your Marriage
Spending quality time with your spouse is so important when you’re working on fixing and strengthening your relationship after an affair.
The time you used to spend with your affair partner, both online and in person, can now be channelled back into your relationship to prevent a dying marriage, giving you both a chance to reconnect and heal.
This is a great opportunity to have open and honest conversations, which are key to rebuilding trust and understanding.
Whether it’s setting aside time for meaningful chats, planning hot date nights, or just enjoying everyday activities together and playing fun games, these actions show your commitment to each other.
By making a conscious effort to invest your time and energy, you’re not only strengthening your bond but also setting up a more genuine and secure future together.
| It’s important to acknowledge the pain of infidelity that your spouse is feeling and move things at their pace. |
Step 7: Do Some Deep Healing
Healing from what caused an affair, or what ended it, is key to moving on and building a healthier future.
It often means doing some tough introspection to figure out what led to the situation. It takes courage to face uncomfortable truths about yourself and the relationship.
Recognising these issues is the first step to breaking the cycle. Getting professional help, like seeing a therapist, can be a huge support. Therapy provides a safe space to explore emotions, uncover deep issues, and develop healthier ways to cope.
Doing this deep healing work helps you grow and become more resilient, giving you the tools to build stronger, more fulfilling relationships in the future.
How to Get Over an Affair as the Other Woman/Man
Of course, if you’re the “other woman/man”, things can be a little more complex when it comes to getting over the affair.
If you’re not married yourself, the relationship could have felt fairly normal, albeit with less time with your partner, making it much like a standard breakup to work through.
However, with the unique dynamic of affairs, getting over them can be more complicated.
1. Accept They’ve Chosen Their Spouse
One of the hardest things about moving on is accepting that they chose their spouse over you.
It’s tough, but it’s a key part of healing. Sure, there might have been promises or assurances during the relationship, but this decision shows what really matters to them.
Even if there were real feelings on both sides, their commitment to their spouse usually comes first. Understanding that they were going to stay married all along can help you accept that it’s over.
By facing this reality, you can let go of any lingering hopes and start moving towards personal growth and new beginnings.
2. Understand What Your Role Was in the Relationship
Understanding the role you played in your ex-affair partner’s life is key to finding closure and moving forward. It’s a chance to think about why you were drawn to the relationship and what you both got out of it.
By recognising these dynamics, you can gain clarity, accept the end of the relationship, and avoid similar patterns in the future.
Embrace this insight as a step toward personal growth so you can build more fulfilling connections down the road.
3. Make Peace With the Fact That They’re the One That Broke Vows
Coming to terms with your ex breaking their vows is a big step in healing. Remember, they broke those promises, not you. Getting this straight can help you shake off any guilt or self-blame.
Even if you feel somehow responsible for the affair, it’s important to remind yourself that you weren’t the one who made those commitments.
By accepting this, you can start forgiving yourself for any role you think you had. This self-compassion lets you move forward more freely, ready for new, healthier relationships based on trust and honesty.
4. Decide if You Want This Dynamic Again
Reflecting on your past experiences is key to figuring out what you really want in future relationships.
When you take a moment to think about it, you can see the differences between an affair and a more exclusive relationship.
- What did you like about the affair?
- Was it the thrill or the sense of adventure?
- What about the downsides, like the secrecy and emotional stress?
Consider whether you can find those same positives in an open and committed relationship.
By getting clear on what you want and why, you can better decide whether to seek out an affair again or pursue a stable, exclusive partnership.
How Long Does It Take to Get Over an Affair?
Getting over an affair is different for everyone, and there’s no fixed timeline because healing is such a personal journey.
Factors like how long the affair lasted, how intense it was, the support you have, and your own resilience all play a role in your recovery.
Some folks might bounce back in a few months, while others need years.
The key is to be patient with yourself and allow the time you need to process your feelings and rebuild trust, whether that’s with yourself or in a relationship.
Focus on taking care of yourself, consider getting professional help if you need it, and aim for personal growth.
In the end, it’s more about finding closure and moving forward in a positive way rather than stressing about how long it takes.
Final Thoughts: How to Get Over an Affair
Getting over an affair is tough and takes time, but it can actually help strengthen your marriage. By tackling problems together, you can rebuild trust and create a deeper connection.
Plus, this journey offers a chance for personal growth, where you can reflect, develop better ways to cope and end up with a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.
Embrace this as an opportunity for transformation and hope.
You can find more expert advice on how to handle your affair on the Illicit Encounters blog.
FAQs
How to Get Over an Emotional Affair?
The first step in emotional affair recovery is acknowledging your emotions without judgment. Focus on self-reflection, understand what drew you to the affair, and work on personal growth. Seek professional support if needed to process feelings and move forward.
How Do You Stop an Affair When You Don’t Want to?
Choose honesty and integrity over short-term desires. Communicate openly with your partner or seek professional counselling to explore underlying issues. Prioritise commitments and personal growth, and envision a healthy relationship based on trust and fidelity.
What is Affair Fog?
Affair fog is a psychological state where the person involved in an affair loses clarity, becoming emotionally entangled and idealising the illicit relationship. It clouds judgment and can impede logical decision-making and awareness of potential consequences.
How Do You Know When an Affair is Really Over?
An affair is really over when you or your partner make a definitive decision to end contact, pursue personal healing, and rebuild trust or move on entirely, acknowledging the finality of the relationship without lingering emotions or attachments.
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